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^UNACQUAINTED WITH WORK? or, Married in Thirty 

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"^AtWAIT AND SEE* 25 cents. A comedy-drama in 3 acts, by Helen C. 
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if WIVES PN A STRIKE. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by Lillian 
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"A'HIS SISTERS* 25 cents. A farce in 1 act; by Beulah King, i male, 
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-^ENCORES AND EXTRAS. 35 cents. A collection of short mono- 
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"^"GORGEOUS CECILE* The* 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by 
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MADAME G. WHILIKENS* BEAUTY PARLOR. 25 cents. 

An original entertainment in 2 acts, by Viola Gardner Brown, for 12 (or less) female 
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Irish, colored, rube character, two salesladies, all strongly contrasted. 



HAPPINESS AT LAST 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



By 
JAMES L. SHUTE 

AND 

BEULAH KING 



Copyright, 1922, by 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



%f5* 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey Street New York 



5 



■ 

5 6b 



SEP 30 1922 

©•Gl.0 G2082 



■'■■ 



Note. — The professional acting and moving 
picture rights of this play are expressly reserved 
by the Publishers, to whom theatrical managers 
who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur 
representation may be made without such ap- 
plication and without charge. 



Happiness at Last 



CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Manners A widow 

Mary Andrews ) Her nieces 

ijavinia Andrews ) 

Esther Richards A secretary 

Susan A maid 

John Price Mrs. Manners' or other 

Steven Carteret John's friend 

Paul Webster A suitor 

Major Daniel Bristow An old suitor 

Time : — The other day. Locality : — Any suburb. 
Time of Playing: — One hour and a half. 

SCENE 

Living-room of John Price's country home. Same 
scene throughout. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Mrs. Manners. A tall, slender, languid woman of 
about 50, but made up to appear 35. Her worst faults 
are her desire for admiration and her persistence in 
clinging to the thirties. She is well gowned throughout 
the play. In Act III she looks more like 50 than 35. 

Mary Andrews. A beautiful young girl of about 22. 
She is well dressed, but not too elaborate. 

3 



4 Happiness at Last 

Lavinia Andrews. On first appearance she is plainly 
dressed, spectacled and grim, but only twenty, which 
proves she can be successfully taught much ; her hair is 
short and straight. On second appearance she wears a 
pretty gown, hair curled and looks very stylish. 

Esther Richards. About 25, and an able secretary 
and capable of making a charming wife. Wears very 
neat dresses throughout. 

Susan. About 18, wears the regular maid's costume. 

Steven Carteret. About 28. Any description of 
youth would apply to him as he is the incarnation of 
that spirit. 

Paul. About 25. He is just the nicest sort of a chap, 
uninteresting of course, but lovable. 

Major Bristow. About 50. He has been a brave 
soldier in his day, but the companionship of Mrs. Man- 
ners has made him a dapper gentleman. 

John Price. About 38. A normal sort of genius, 
good looking and kind. 

The male characters wear suits suitable to the time of 
day and character, as no extraordinary costumes are 
required. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Shorthand book, pad and pencil for Mary. 
Several bandboxes and a glass of water for Susan. 
Fan for Mrs. Manners. 
Cigarettes for Carteret. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence, r. means right hand; l., left hand; • c, center -of 
stage; d. l., door at left; c. d., center door in rear wall; 
r. e., entrance at right. Up means toward back of stage ; 
down, toward footlights. 



Happiness at Last 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Living-room in John Price's country home. 
Late afternoon. Door in c. of rear ivall ; this door is 
arched and extremely tall with a curtain daring in 
color and pattern. Decorative panels in rear wall 
on each side of c. d. // convenient, beyond the door 
is seen a hallway done in much the same style with 
an effective composition of a table, a bit of baiick 
and a bust The floor of both rooms is of black and 
white tiles resembling a huge checker-board. The 
furniture is of the most modern school and is quite 
unique. There are peculiarly shaped benches under 
each panel. Down l. is a day-bed heaped with 
cushions. Down r. is a table, with quill pen, ink, 
paper, books, etc. Telephone wherever convenient. 
Near table is a chair and one or two others arc 
placed at artistically effective points. In r. wall is 
a tall French window through which may be seen 
flower boxes and a bit of blue sky. This can be 
used as R. e. (right entrance). If impracticable, a 
plain window, showing flowers, etc., can be placed up 
r. and a door down r. which can be used as the r. e. 
to and from the garden. Door in l. wall leading 
to another part of the house. If practicable, there 
should be a rise of two steps between the hall and 
the living-room to lend effect to the grouping of the 
characters. This scenery can be simplified or elab- 
orated to suit circumstances. DISCOVERED, 
Mary at table bent over a shorthand book, pad and 
pencil. Paul is standing near her. 

5 



6 Happiness at Last 

Mary. I'm on page twenty, Paul, and there are only 
fifty pages in the book. 

Paul. I suppose I ought to congratulate you. 

Mary (smiling). Of course I don't expect it after the 
way you've fought against my business career. 

Paul. I haven 't said much these last months. 

Mary (rising). That's true. (Suddenly) Why, 
you haven "t even proposed to me for weeks and weeks ! 

Paul. After a fellow 's been refused twenty times 

Mary. I know, and I 'm glad you 're taking a sensible 
view at last. (Slyly) Some day I'm going to find a 
wonderful girl for you. 

ENTER Susan c. d., carrying bandboxes; crosses and 

EXITS d. l. 

Paul. Again ! Has she the habit ? 

Mary. Poor thing! You seldom see her without a 
bandbox! (Sighs) Auntie's extravagance! It — it is 
deplorable ! 

ENTER Mrs. Manners, Lavinia and Major Bristow 

r. E. 

Mrs. Manners. Did you see that man stare at me ? 

Lavinia (shortly). No. (Goes to table, chooses book 
and sits on day-bed) 

Paul. Good evening, Mrs. Manners! 

Mrs. Manners (offering hand). My dear Paul, I 
didn't notice you when I came in. To tell the truth I 
didn't notice anyone. I was annoyed by that man's 
staring at me. 

Bristow. If one will be beautiful one must suffer the 
consequences. 

Lavinia. What rot ! 

Bristow. Lavinia has no use for that rare and 
evasive god, Beauty. 

Lavinia. Do you blame me? Would you, if he had 
treated you the way he has me ? 

Mrs. Manners (going to bench) . Perhaps if you paid 
a little more attention to him he would be kinder to you. 



Happiness at Last 7 

Lavinia. I doubt it. (Her nose back in the book) 

Paul. I say, Mary, come out in the garden for a 
stroll. 

Mary. I'm not in the mood for a garden to-night. 

Mrs. Manners [languidly). Mary's so queer. One 
would think she would like a stroll in the garden with a 
nice young man. I don 't know what will become of her. 

Mary. I do. (Bristow smokes) 

Mrs. Manners (with sarcasm). It's well to know 
what you want and work for it. 

Paul (grimly). It* is. 

Bristow. You sound disheartened, young man. 

Paul. I see no hope of getting what I want. 

Bristow. That so I What 's the trouble ? 

Paul. Too many others want the same thing. 

Bristow. That's what makes the struggle worth 
while. Go to it and beat 'em. 

Mrs. Manners. Excellent advice, Major. (Lavinia 
gives a guffaw) 

Lavinia (mischievously) . Why not follow it. Major? 

Mrs. Manners (looking over her fan coyly at Bris- 
tow) . My dear child ! 

Mary. I've decided on my life-work. (Paul groans) 

Bristow. What is it ? 

Mary. I'm going to be secretary to a great man. 

Paul. I don't approve of women in business. 

Mary. You would, if you were a business man. 

Mrs. Manners. Oh dear. You'll have wrinkles be- 
fore you're thirty and a scowl between your eyes and 
wear orthopedic shoes. 

Mary. But if I remain a parasite I'll develop crab- 
bedness and flabbiness. 

Mrs. Manners. Esther has put these ideas in your 
head. I don't know what the girls are coming to for 
my part. 

Lavinia (suddenly). Uncle John's finished his sec- 
ond act. 

Mrs. Manners. Has he? I haven't dared ask him 
about it. He's so temperamental. 



8 Happiness at Last 

Lavinia (proudly). I've read it. 
Mrs. Manners. Oh dear, I hope it isn't about love. 
Lavinia. It is. It 's the mushiest thing. 
Bristow. Good lord ! that's not like John. 
Mrs. Manners (anxious). You don't think he's in 
love, do you? 

Bristow. I don't know. One never can tell. 

Mrs. Manners (going to Mary). Mary, do vou think 
your Uncle John is in love? 

Mary. I shouldn 't wonder. 

Mrs. Manners. Oh, you have 'upset me terribly— He 
doesn't act as if he were in love. 

Bristow. Then you can depend upon it, he is. 

Mrs. Manners (to herself). He hasn't shown a sign 
of it. 

Bristow. Well. Now look at me. Would you think 
I was desperately and hopelessly in love ? 

Mary (laughing). You— you are always in love. 

Mrs. Manners (going back to bench). Dear me, this 
is interesting. Who is she ? 

Bristow (embarrassed). I'm going to tell you some 
day. 

Mrs. Manners (foolishly). Anyone I know? 

Bristow. You know her very well. 

Mrs. Manners. Is she in this room ? 

Bristow. She is. 

Lavinia. It's between you and Mary, Auntie. (Mis- 
chievous wink) And it's Mary, of course— undeniably, 
irrevocably and indisputably Mary ! 

Bristow. I haven't committed myself. 

Lavinia. No, but Mary has " committed " you by 
being in the room. 

Mrs. Manners. I'm sure you are a bit hasty. It 
isn't always Mary, you know. 

Lavinia. I never knew the time when it wasn't. 

Mrs. Manners. My dear Lavinia, you are so un- 
observing. 

Mary (disgusted with it all) . Major, you haven 't said 
how you liked my new gown. 



Happiness at Last 9 

Bristow. I like it, my dear. (In fatherly tones) 
I always like everything about you. (Mrs. Manners is 
novj convinced) 

Mrs. Manners {going to Major and taking his arm). 
Come, let's have our fox trot. 

Bristow. Certainly if you wish. 

Mrs. Manners. I do and you, dear Major, always 
respect my wishes. (Aware she scored a point) 

[EXIT Bristow and Mrs. Manners c. d. arm in arm 

Mary (going to Lavinia). Go and dance with Paul, 
dearie, and put that stupid book away. (Takes book 
from her gently) Paul ! 

Paul (going to her). Yes? 

Mary. I want you to teach Vinny the fox trot, 

Paul. Of course, if you wish it. 

Mary (pulling Lavinia from chair). Come, Vinny. 

Lavinia. I hate dancing. . 

Mary. But you won't when you learn, and Paul is a 
wonderful teacher. (Paul offers arm to Lavinia, ivhich 
she accepts reluctantly. Mary goes back to her work) 

[EXIT Paul and Lavinia c. d. 

ENTER Esther Richards d. l. 

Esther (running to Mary). Mary, you are getting 
to be a perfect plugger. Here I 've been in this house as 
your uncle's secretary — let me see — four whole months 
and you Ve 

Mary (interrupting) . I know, but something's got to 
be done. Things are going from bad to worse. Auntie 
bought three more hats to-day. (Rising) Oh, Esther, 
it isn't right, It isn't fair — all of us living off Uncle 
John like this ! 

Esther (soothing her). Hush, dear. 

Mary. There's Vinny buying books and taking 
courses from the most expensive teachers, and Aunt 
Abigail living like a queen and expecting me to dress 
like a princess, and all of us utterly dependent on Uncle 
John. 

Esther. But if he is willing. 



10 Happiness at Last 

Mary. He ought to have a home of his o^vn. 

Esther. Perhaps he intends to. (Something in her 
voice makes Mary turn and look at her. Pause) 

Mary (putting her arms about Esther). You don't 
mean— you — oh, you darling! I knew he was in love 
with you! I've suspected it all along.' (Kisses her 
heartily) 

Esther. We are to be married next month. A very 
quiet wedding. 

Mary (bewildered). But where will you live? — Oh, 
Esther, don't you see it only makes me more determined 
to straighten things out now. 

Esther. John said you were to live on here just the 
same — that nothing was to be any different. 

Mary. The old dear! Of course he would say that, 
but I intend things to be different. 

Esther. Please don 't worry about it. There 's noth- 
ing you can do. 

Mary. Isn't there? — I've thought things all out. 
(Drawing Esther beside her on couch) Listen! The 
Major has got to be made to propose to Auntie. 

Esther (laughs). He never will until something 
arouses him. He 's too sure of her as things are. 

Mary: That's just it — but I intend to nettle the old 
dear a bit, I intend to AROUSE HIS JEALOUSY ! 

Esther. But how? 

Mary. Why — simply getting another man to pay at- 
tentions to Aunt Abigail ! 

Esther. Mary ! 

Mary. Uncle John has a friend coming to-morrow — a 
Mr. Steven Carteret, Oh, you needn't laugh — I've 
planned things perfectly. 

Esther. But what if Mr. Steven Carteret refuses to 
pay attentions to Auntie? 

Mary. He won't refuse Uncle John anything. Be- 
sides he might as well make himself useful while he's 
visiting — just a harmless flirtation, you know. 

Esther. But will John ask him? 

Mary. He must. 



Happiness at Last 11 

Esther (rising). He never will. 

Mary (pulling Iter down again). Listen! Come 
here ! He will, if you ask him to. 

Esther. Oh, I wouldn't. 

Mary. You must. I want you to go to him and 
explain everything. 

Esther (groaning). What would he think ? 

Mary. He'd enjoy the lark immensely. He thinks 
the Major has courted his sister long enough. After all, 
why shouldn't they be married? He loves her and has 
money enough to give her all she wants. 

Esther. Yes and down deep I think she really cares 
for Mm. 

Mary. I know she does. It's just a case of arousing 
the Major a bit ! And jealousy is the only way. 

Esther. What is Mr. Steven Carteret like ? 

Mary. I haven't the slightest idea. Probably like 
most of Uncle Johnnie's friends — not half so nice as he 
is. What I do know is he thinks the world of Uncle 
John. 

Esther. Even so, it does seem a good deal to ask of 
the poor man. 

Mary. Nonsense! He'd get enough fun out of the 
Major's jealousy to pay for it. 

Esther (dubiously). Perhaps. 

Mary. Then there's Lavinia. 

Esther (alarmed). Good heavens, what are you go- 
ing to do with Lavinia ? 

Mary. Marry her to Paul. 

Esther. To Paul! But he's wild about you. 

Mary. No — no, not now. I 've cured him of that. 

Esther. Mary ! 

Mary (jumping up and twirling about). Then free- 
dom for Mary. I shall go my own sweet way and poor 
dear Uncle Johnnie will be rid of us all forever. 

Esther. Are you really going to work, Mary? 

Mary (seriously). I am. Haven't you proved to me 
these last three years the blessing of being single and 
earning one 's own living ? 



12 Happiness at Last 

Esther. There are setbacks even about earning one's 
own living. 

Mary. You aren't weakening after that simply glori- 
ous speech you made to me about being independent. 
Don't you remember you wound up to a fitting climax 
with Burns' poem? "Not for a train attendant — but for 
the glorious privilege of being independent ! ' ' 

Esther (laughing) . I had had a raise that day! 

Mary (sitting beside her). No, but seriously, don't 
you think it's wrong for a girl to marry a man she 
doesn't love just to get out of working for a living? 

Esther. I do. 

Mary. Of course you do, and that is what it will 
come to in my case. 

Esther. Haven 't you ever seen a man you could love, 
Mary? 

Mary. No one except Uncle Johnnie, dear — but when 
I do meet him I shall know him ! 

ENTER Lavinia c. d. 

Mary (turning). Did you have a nice dance, Vinny? 

Lavinia. No, he stepped all over me. (Takes book 
from table and goes toward d. l.) 

Mary. Wait, Vinny, I want to talk to you a minute. 
(To Esther) You'll find him right away and tell him? 

Esther (rising and going to c. d). I'll find him right 
away and compel him. (Mary rises and goes to La- 
vinia) [EXIT Esther c. d. 

Lavinia. What do you want ? 

Mary. I suppose you haven 't the remotest idea why I 
want to talk with you. 

Lavinia (indifferently) . No. Shoot! I want to get 
back to my story. 

Mary. No, Lavinia, you mustn't think of stories or 
books, or anything to do with them. 

Lavinia (draws away and regards her sister in amaze- 
ment) . Say ! 

Mary. You must promise me. 



Happiness at Last 13 

Lavinia. Have you suddenly gone mad? 

Mary. Lavinia, did you ever think of matrimony ? 

Lavinia. I say — Mary — come off. 

Mary {catching her arm). Please, Lavinia, I'm seri- 
ous. 

Lavinia. Well then, no. 

Mary. But you should be thinking of it, Lavinia. 
You 're quite old enough to. 

Lavinia. Would you think of it, if you had a face 
like mine? 

Mary. Of course I would. There are many men who 
would like you. 

Lavinia (scornfully) . Name them. 

Mary. If only you'd exert yourself a little — dress 
differently and smile oftener. 

Lavinia. Smile ! If I smiled the width of my mouth 
I 'd frighten a man. 

Mary. Don't be silly. You have a good mouth and 
wonderful teeth. 

Lavinia. What 's the meaning of all this anyway ? 

Mary. I want you to get married, Lavinia. 

Lavinia. Why? Because I can't earn my own liv- 
ing? 

Mary. Partly. 

Lavinia. You leave me alone. As long as Uncle John 
remains single I '11 do as I please. Then if he takes him 
a wife, I'll get a job. 

Mary. Did you ever think that's why he doesn't take 
a wife because he has to support us ? 

Lavinia. No — I never did. 

Mary. I have. — Lavinia, you'd hate business in any 
form and so you must get married. Why, if you mar- 
ried the right man you could read all your days in 
peace. 

Lavinia. But a man never looked at me ! 

Mary. That's your own fault. 

Lavinia. It isn't. It 's nature 's. 

Mary. I know better. Will you do as I say ? 

Lavinia. Um — er maybe. 



14 Happiness at Last 

Mary. Then listen. I've picked out some dresses 
that will become you. They are on your bed. I have 
spoken to Mademoiselle and she will do your hair 

Lavinia. Oh, my lord ! 

Mary. You are to leave off those ridiculous spectacles. 
Dress yourself in the most becoming gown, go to 
Mademoiselle for approval, then come downstairs and I 
won't be afraid to bet you have at least one proposal 
before you go to bed ! 

Lavinia. Say ! 

Mary. I mean it. Will you do as I say ? 

Lavinia. Ill do it to prove you are wrong, honey — 
(Running to d. l.) Jove, it's a lark anyway. 

Mary. It is and it 's going to be profitable in the end. 

Lavinia (sweetly). Bon soir, ma cherie! 

[EXITS d. l. 

Mary. I'll look for Uncle John. [EXITS d. l. 

ENTER John Price and Esther, c. d. 

Esther (looking about). She's gone. Probably up- 
stairs with Lavinia. 

John. Poor child. She has a great deal on her mind. 
(Laughs suddenly) 

Esther (going to table). She will be immensely re- 
lieved when I tell her you consent. 

John (following her). There is yet Steve! 

Esther (sitting on chair). Tell me about him. 

John. I 'd rather you judged for yourself, dear. If I 
should describe him it would be as unjust as a mother's 
description of her only child. 

Esther. Is he a heart breaker 1 

John. I shouldn 't wonder. — Getting worried ? 

Esther (laughing). Not for myself. But suppose' 
Mrs. Manners really falls in love with him ? It is rather 
risky, isn 't it ? 

John. Oh-ho, of course she won't. Abigail intends 
to marry Bristow. 

Esther. Tell me what are we going to do with Mary 
after she succeeds in marrying off the rest of the family? 



Happiness at Last 15 

John. Many her off too. 

Esther. Without a career? 

John. That 's a career, isn 't it ? 

Esther. Then you think after all it is the only place 
for a woman ? 

John. I'm inclined to think it is the best place for 
her. 

Esther (roguishly) . Oh, you disappoint me terribly. 
(Rising) I — I feel as if I ought to resign. 

John. You can't resign without a week's notice at 
least. And you wouldn't leave me in the midst of the 
third act like this. 

Esther. Oh dear, no, if I did I shouldn't sleep won- 
dering how it was to come out. 

John. Ah, you see what a hold I have on you. 

Esther. Yes — you have a tremendous hold on me. 
Let's get back to work. (Goes toward c. d.) 

John. Let's not. I feel like a walk in the garden. 
Do you ? 

Esther. Yes, if you'll talk business. 

John. I will. I '11 talk of nothing but my play. 

Esther. "What scene? 

John. The final love scene. — I want your opinion 
about it. 

ENTER Major Bristow c. d. He is much excited. 

Bristow. In the name of goodness, John, who is that 
young whippersnapper in the hall with your sister ? 

Esther (to John). It's Mr. Carteret. He's come! 

Bristow (fuming). I tell you I won't stand it. 

John (appreciating the situation). Tut — tut, man, 
what right have you to stop it? 

Bristow. All the right in the world. — Doesn't she 
know I intend to marry her ? 

John. I doubt if she does. 

Bristow. This is madness. There is no reason to 
suppose — 



John. Have you ever told her your intentions, 
Major? 



16 Happiness at Last 

Bristow (pacing floor) . Well — er not exactly — not in 
words — er but of course everyone knows — and I say it is 
an outrage. Haven't I catered to her whims for the, 
last three years, played cribbage when I preferred 
poker — ridden in a limousine when I preferred horse- 
back, gone home from parties at the age of the evening 
because she was tired and this is the treatment I get. 
It is shameful. 

John. My dear fellow, you are letting your imagina- 
tion run away with you. After all, what is the harm in 
talking with a young man % 

Bristow (stopping before John). Enough! I saw 
them. He is drinking in her every word. He is gazing 
into her face with admiration — yes adoration in his eye. 
I know. He will become infatuated — mad about her 
and I repeat, I will not stand it. 

John. My dear fellow, the whole trouble is this. You 
should have claimed her years ago. You have waited too 
long. 

Bristow (broken). Ah yes, I have waited too long. 

John (rubbing it in). One can't do it, my boy. The 
other chap you know — the other chap ! 

Bristow. Damn him! [EXITS c. d. quickly 

ENTER d. l. Lavinia. She is recreated in a beautiful 
gown, hair stylishly dressed, etc., and pirouettes 
through doorway. 

Esther (startled). Lavinia! 

Lavinia. How do you like me, Uncle John ? 

John (surveying her from head to foot). Really, my 
dear, you are quite remarkable ! 

Lavinia. I 'm set for the great .scene. Do I look ready 
for conquest ? 

Esther. You do, dear. (Takes her face between her 
hands and kisses her) I'm terribly enthusiastic about 
you. 

Lavinia. I hope the men will feel the same way. Tell 
Mary if you should see her, I'm waiting. 



Happiness at Last 17 

ENTER Mary c. d. Stops to exchange a word with 
Esther and John while Lavinia, who has not seen 
her, goes down stage preening herself like a peacock. 

Mary {going to Lavinia). Vinny, you are beyond my 
wildest expectations. You — you are wonderful ! 

Lavinia (ruefully). I thought I was in the solitude 
of my own room but now I've seen you — oh Mary, I 
wonder I haven't hated you. 

Mary. Vinny ! 

Lavinia. You're so damned beautiful. (Genuinely) 
You were beautiful as a tiny baby and the first time I 
"sensed" you I gave up all hope of romance, husband 
and home ! 

Mary. Vinny ! 

Lavinia. I did and I've never given them a thought 
since. 

Mary. But that was a foolish thing to do. Every 
woman has her side of beauty and attractiveness, and 
perhaps the very thing I lack you have. One should 
never give up until one has failed a hundred times, no, 
one should never give up at all, as long as life lasts. 

Lavinia. Anyone could be optimistic with your face 
and figure. I have yet to have it proved to me that I 
possess charm. (Seats herself gracefully in chair, preens 
herself. In a terrible voice) Bring on the men ! 

Mary (looking out window r.). The good fairy has 
answered your wish. Here comes Paul! (Running to 
her and kissing her brow) Good-bye, dear, and good 
luck. I will leave you on the field alone ! 

[EXITS d. l. quickly 

ENTER Paul r. e. 

Lavinia (rising to greet him ivith her prettiest man- 
ner) . Good evening, monsieur. 
Paul (completely aghast). Lavinia! 
Lavinia (twirling about) . You like me? 
Paul. I say you're jolly. 



18 Happiness at Last 

Lavinia. I am the product of Mademoiselle and 
Vogue! (Seats herself) 

Paul (pulling up a chair beside her). I think I'll 
stay. 

Lavinia. Stay with me? 

Paul. Of course. You're wonderful. 

Lavinia. Oh, Paul! 

Paul. I say you are. Why, Vinny, you 're a dream. 
(With boyishness) I — I never thought you could look 
like this. 

Lavinia (simply). I'm glad you like me. 

Paul (touching her gown gently). What is — this 
stuff? 

Lavinia. If you promise not to tell anyone I'll 
whisper where it came from. 

Paul (solemnly) . I promise. 

Lavinia (snickering) . The fairies! 

Paul. Jove, I believe it did at that. It's worked 
magic! And your hair. Your hair is — ah sublime! 
(Whispers) Is — is it a wig? 

Lavinia (disgusted) . Of course not. 

Paul. But your hair was short and ■ 

Lavinia. So it is now but it's CURLED ! STUPID ! 

Paul. It's grand. (Sighs) 

Lavinia (because there is nothing else to say and she 
is shy) . I'm glad you like me. 

Paul. Like you? Why, Vinny, when I think of you 
behind those goggles 

Lavinia. Don't. Don't recall them. 

Paul (solemnly) . I won't, if it pains you. 

Lavinia (as solemnly). It does. 

Paul. I wouldn't pain you for all the world. 

Lavinia. Wouldn 't you ? Say it again. 

Paul (repeating). I wouldn't pain you for all the 
world. 

Lavinia. Paul ? 

Paul. Yes? 

Lavinia. I did it all for you. 

Paul. You darling! 



Happiness at Last 19 

» 

Lavinia. Oh Paul, you mustn 't, not in here. 

Paul. I 've got to say it. 

Lavinia. But not here. 

Paul. Where then ? 

Lavinia. In the garden. 

Paul (taking her Jiand). Come! 

Lavinia. Oh dear! 

Paul. What is it! 

Lavinia. I 'm — I 'm 

Paul. Don't be afraid, Vinny. It's something 
awfully nice. 

Lavinia (breathlessly as he leads her to r. e.). Paul, 
do you like girls who read ? 

Paul. Come out here, and I '11 tell you. 

[EXIT Lavinia and Paul r. e. 

ENTER c. d. Mrs. Manners and Steve Carteret. 
They are chatting. 

Mrs. Manners (in her sweetest voice). Do sit down, 
Mr. Carteret. My brother is such a difficult person to 
find. I am quite sure he is in, in spite of what the 
maid said. (Bristqw appears at c. d. but is unseen by 
them) I will go for him myself. 

Carteret. Oh no, I wouldn't have you. Really I 
can wait. Then too he is expecting me. 

Mrs. Manners. He is and asked to be informed the 
minute you arrived. (Foolishly) Perhaps I shouldn't 
have talked to you in the hall. But you'll forgive me? 
(Goes toward d. l.) 

Carteret (politely). Most certainly. I am sure I 
was as much to blame. (Carteret sits and Bristow 
disappears) [EXIT Mrs. Manners d. l. 

ENTER Mary c. d. to pass through the room. Carteret 
rises and they face each other. 

Mary. I — I beg your pardon. — You — you are 

Carteret. Steven Carteret. 

Mary. Oh! (They stare at each other) 

QUICK CURTAIN 



20 Happiness at Last 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same as Act I. Two weeks later. Even- 
ing. At rise of curtain stage is empty. 

ENTER Carteret and Mrs. Manners c. d., chatting. 

Mrs. Manners (leaning on Carteret's arm). You 
clever person. How do you say such witty things ! 

Carteret. A witty person is only one who can apply 
borrowed humor opportunely. 

Mrs. Manners. Oh, Mr. Carteret, how enchantingly 
droll. (Sits on day-bed facing audience. Carteret also 
sits on day-bed, back to audience) 

Carteret. Who could be dull with a beautiful woman 
to inspire him ? 

Mrs. Manners. Tut — tut, Mr. Carteret. (Striking 
him gently on cheek with fan) I believe you are flirting 
with me. 

Carteret. Not at all. Only the truth. I always tell 
the truth to people I admire — if it 's agreeable. 

Mrs. Manners. How deliciously subtle of you. Such 
rare delicacy. I don 't mind what people say behind my 
back as long as they are nice to my face. I abhor people 
who start in by saying, " I am telling you for your 
own good, ' ' — and then go on ruthlessly to the bitter end. 
It's so embarrassing to hear the truth about one's self 
and so few people realize it. 

Carteret. Cigarette? (Each select one) 

Mrs. Manners. You don't mind? 

Carteret. Not at all. 

Mrs. Manners. I thought I'd better ask. Young 
people are getting so prudish these days about their 
elders. 

Carteret. You need have no fear of coming under 
that ban. 

Mrs. Manners. I don't know. I admit thirty-five 
and then there are my grown up nieces. Nieces are so 



Happiness at Last 21 

delightfully indefinite. No matter how old they are no- 
body can actually prove anything on you. 

Carteret. Haven't I heard that line before? 

Mrs. Manners. Have you really? I must pick my 
witticisms from more obscure plays. 

Carteret. Any witticism seems fresh from your lips. 

Mrs. Manners. How gallant you are. 

Carteret. How easy it is to be gallant— to you. 

Mrs. Manners. I — really — Mr. Carteret 

Carteret. Steven. 

Mrs. Manners (shyly). Steven. 

Carteret (with emotion). Again! — Say it again! 

Mrs. Manners (softly) . Steven ! 

Carteret. Thank you — I — how beautifully you said 
it — It was as though I had never heard it before. 

(Bristow appears at c. d.) 

Mrs. Manners (putting hand to her face in agitation). 
Steven — I 

Carteret (sees Bristow). Again! (In passionate 
undertones) Like soft winds soughing through firs by 
moonlight — limpid waves lapping the lily-bordered 
shore. (Caressing her hand) Pale hands floating in 
alabaster. (Kisses her hands) 

Mrs. Manners (rising, disturbed) . Steven — I had no 
idea — Mr. Carteret — please 

Carteret (pulling her down to him. Forgets himself 
in his enthusiasm). Not that — Steven to you — always. 
To hear the word from those scarlet lips ! Those passion- 
ate lips like twin drops of heart 's blood — only that word, 
always — always — Steven. (Bristow goes off annoyed) 

Mrs. Manners. Steven — Steven — my dear. I had no 
idea — it was — like this. I — I'm not well — Steven, I 

too (Leans back as if about to faint; he puts an 

arm about her to steady her) Steven! (She embraces 
him) I love you — too ! Dear Steven — Steven ! 

Carteret (as he realizes what it all rneans). My God ! 

Mrs. Manners. Kiss me, dear. (He obeys. She 
draws a long shuddering sigh) The betrothal kiss ! 



22 Happiness at Last 

Carteret (aside). Betrothal! — Oh God! 

Mrs. Manners (releasing Carteret). You've made 
me so happy, Steven ! To find a love like this — It means 
so much to me ! Romance — youth — Oh Steven ! (Hides 
her head happily on his shoulder whereupon he dutifully 
kisses her) 

Carteret (someivhat embarrassed). You'll pardon 
me for asking, but what is your first name? I may be 
wrong but it seems rather cold to call the woman (Gulps) 
one is going to marry Mrs. Manners. 

Mrs. Manners. Abigail. I was named for a wealthy 
aunt. She never materialized. She left her money to 
an orphan asylum, but oh, nothing matters now but you 
and I. We are everything. We are the world, alone — 
alone. 

Carteret (looking wildly around). Yes, thank 
heaven ! 

Mrs. Manners ( with prolonged sigh) . When shall we 
be married? 

Carteret (staggered). Uh — Ah— why, there's no 
hurry ! 

Mrs. Manners. It 's all so sudden. 

Carteret. Eh — Yes ! Yes — very ! 

Mrs. Manners. How long have you cherished this 
secret passion for me ? 

Carteret (utterly unnerved). Er — ah — ah — quite a 
long time. Quite a long time. 

Mrs. Manners (fondly) . My knight ! 

Carteret. Oh, what a night ! 

Mrs. Manners. Do you think we'd better have a 
church wedding? Perhaps we'd better have a quiet one. 
It's my second chance, you know. 

Carteret. Oh — a church wedding would be quite all 
right. As noisy as you like. If you want it to be really 
spectacular, however, we might elope. 

Mrs. Manners. Steven! Not really. You wouldn't. 
(Secretly delighted with, the idea) 

Carteret. Oh no, of course not, oh never ! 



Happiness at Last 23 

Mrs. Manners (disappointed). Oh— Well— when will 
we tell everyone? 

Carteret ( turning from her) . Good lord ! 

ENTER Bristow c. d. 

Bristow (coughing) . A— er how do yon do 1 

Carteret (rising). Hulloa, Major. 

Mrs. Manners. My dear Major, good evening. (Car- 
teret lights a cigarette. Pause) 

Carteret. If it weren't so banal, I'd say it was a 
beautiful night. 

Mrs. Manners (embarrassed). It's the best night 
we've had since a week from last Tuesday. 

Carteret (flatly). We've had lovely weather all the 
year. 

Mrs. Manners. It rained a bit last spring. 

Carteret. Oh, but it's been fine since — perfectly 
beautiful. (Silence again) 

Mrs. Manners. I 

Carteret. I 

Bristow. I (Silence while Bristow and Car- 
teret regard each other) Well (Mrs. Manners 

fidgets) 

Carteret (regarding his watch earnestly). I think 
I '11 look up Johnnie. 

Bristow (forced). Oh, don't go. 

Carteret. Sorry, but I must. (Starts toward c. d.) 

Mrs. Manners (rising). But Steven (Saijs it 

so low that Carteret does not hear her) 

[EXIT Carteret c. d. 

Bristow (going down to Mrs. Manners). Abigail — 
for a long time I have been endeavoring to see you alone ! 
(He is upset) 

Mrs. Manners. Look your fill, old dear. You see me 
alone. 

Bristow. Abigail, my emotions are too deep to be 
taken lightly. 

Mrs. Manners. Daniel, if John Price has been giving 
you some more of our private stock 



24 Happiness at Last 

Bristow. Abigail, I beg of you. Hear me ! 

Mrs. Manners (with a sigh). As if I could hear any- 
thing else. 

Bristow (in a terrible voice). Don't mock me, Abi- 
gail. 

Mrs. Manners. Daniel, before you begin let it be 
distinctly understood that you are not to say I am the 
first woman you ever loved. (CROSSES) 

Bristow (simply). Abigail — I love you. 

Mrs. Manners. Ah ! 

Bristow. I want you to marry me — to-day — to-mor- 
row! (CROSSES to her) 

Mrs. Manners (hesitating). To-day? Impossible! 
To-morrow? The Society for the Reestablishment of 
Ruined Charnon meets to-morrow. 

Bristow. You are mocking me ! (Paces the floor) 

Mrs. Manners (icily). Furthermore, I can't oblige 
you at all. I 'm reserved. Already taken ! 

Bristow (wildly). You're not going to be married! 

Mrs. Manners. Why not? Are you the only one 
who has a right to lose his head? 

Bristow (meekly). I had hoped that after so many 
years 

Mrs. Manners. Don't remind me of them. The 
wasted years! If I could only subtract them from the 
grand total. 

Bristow. This has upset me! (Turning on her) 
Ruined me ! You meant much to me, Abigail, how much 
you will never know. 

ENTER Paul and John r. e. 

John (looking from one to the other). Danny, old 
boy, congratulations! (Wrings his hand heartily) 

Mrs. Manners (ivith a shrug). Aren't you taking a 
good deal for granted? 

John (turning and facing her). Er — ah, isn't it only 
natural to suppose that such a devoted courtship should 
end so? Eh, Paul, my boy? 



Happiness at Last 25 

Paul (sadly). You are optimistic, sir. 

Mrs. Manners. My dear brother, you are wholly 
mistaken. The Major and I are not to be married. To 
be sure the ' ' devoted courtship ' ' ends — but not in matri- 
mony for him. 

John. What! You're not going to marry him? 

Mrs. Manners (smiling sweetly). No, John. I am 
not going to marry Daniel. (Bristow groans) 

Bristow (in a desperate tone to John). She has ac- 
cepted Carteret. 

John. Abby, what have you done? Tell me, what 
have you done ? 

Mrs. Manners. You treat me quite as if I were a 
child incapable of thinking for myself. (John groans) 

John. Abigail, this is outrageous ! 

Mrs. Manners. Indeed! 

John. Don't you realize what it means? 

Mrs. Manners. Don't be silly. I've been married 
before. 

John. What will people say ? 

Mrs. Manners (with a shrug). The usual nasty 
things. That 's what weddings are for. 

John (fairly gasping). But you — you are old enough 
to be his mother. 

Mrs. Manners (angrily). You brute. Have you no 
sense of decency? I'm not old enough to be his mother, 
and besides, you ought to be tactful enough not to shout 
it to the wide heavens. Moreover I wish you would learn 
to control this newly developed complex for revealing 
family scandals. It is a thoroughly tasteless procedure. 
When you can speak to me as you should I will talk with 
you. (Sweeps toward d. l. and EXITS. John paces 
the floor. Paul is embarrassed with it all and Bristow 
continues to moan and mumble) 

ENTER Carteret c. d. 

Carteret (talcing in the situation at a glance). Here 
I am. Do with me what you will. 



26 Happiness at Last 

Bristow (fairly kissing) . Scoundrel! 

[EXITS c. d., fuming 

John. In the name of heaven, Steve, what have you 
done ? 

Carteret (helplessly) . Just what you asked me to do. 

John. But you proposed to her ! 

Carteret. I must have — At least she accepted me! 
We are to be married when she says the word. 

John (slapping him on the back). Nonsense! 

Carteret. I lost myself in a fit of eloquence, said too 
much and here I am ! 

John (refusing to take it seriously). With a life 
sentence ! 

Paul. But the thing can be broken up, old chap. 

Carteret. How? 

Paul. Oh, somehow — anyhow. 

Carteret. I doubt it without hurting her terribly. 

John. Come, come, of course something can be done 
about it. 

Carteret. I refuse to let them humiliate her. 

John. But you can 't go through with this, Steve, and 
she ought to realize it. 

Carteret. But she doesn't and so there's nothing to 
do but marry her. 

ENTER Lavinia and Mary c. d. 

Lavinia (greatly excited) . Have you heard the news? 
Auntie 's engaged ! 

Mary. Danny, the old duck, I'm so pleased. 
(Roguishly) Uncle Danny! 

John (sadly). It's not Danny who is to be your 
uncle, my dear ! 

Mary (looking from one to the other). What do you 
mean ? 

John. It's Steve! 

Mary (turning). Mr. Carteret! / 

Carteret (tragically). Mary! 

Mary. You! (Unconsciously the rest watch them) 



Happiness at Last 27 

But I don't understand. You asked my aunt to marry 
you? 

Carteret (desperately). Oh! 

Mary (turning to the others). It's unthinkable. 

John. It's all a hideous mistake and our own fault! 

Lavinia. We didn 't ask him to propose ! We 

John. Hush! Something's got to be done. 

Paul (starting). Good heavens, what? 

John. Go to your aunt, Lavinia, and try to reason 
her into a sensible mood. 

Lavinia. You don't know what you're asking of me, 
but I'll try. [EXITS d. l. 

John. Paul, let's find the Major before he does 
something rash ! 

Paul. He 's a bit upset, I '11 say. 

[EXIT Paul and John c. d. 

Mary (after a pause). How could you? 

Carteret (earnestly) . Believe me when I say it was 
all a misunderstanding. 

Mary. Of course you did it for us. (Sitting) I — I 
am so sorry. (Looking up at him) You see I didn 't for 
a moment think you would ask her to marry you and 
then, even so, I didn't think she would accept. I had 
hoped for something different. 

Carteret (with meaning). So had I! (Pause) I 
don't mean to be sentimental and trite and all this, I 
suppose it sounds rather like a penny ballad. I've al- 
ways had in my mind an idea of what might some day be 
a fine home, a family and happiness. Some men marry 
because they don't like hotel food, others because they 
can't afford not to. They have a sort of married life 
but oh, it's so unsatisfactory! My ideal has been so 
different from all that and now I 've got to forget it and 
try to make up to her for what I 've done ! 

Mary (going to him). I'm sorry, so sorry if you have 
to give up your dream. 

Carteret. It's more than a dream, Mary. 

Mary. You mean you have found her? (He nods) 
Oh! 



28 Happiness at Last 

Carteret. I Ve wanted to tell you about her. 

Mary (softly). Tell me about her — please. 

Carteret. No — no! Can't you see how futile it all 
is? 

Mary. Sometimes one likes to talk of things even if 
they are in vain. 

Carteret. I suppose it brings a kind of comfort. 

Mary. We have made you so unhappy I feel that if I 
can bring even ' ' a kind of comfort ' ' I ought to do it. 

'Carteret. Oh, Mary! (Taking her hands in his) 
Can't you see? Don't you understand? (Looks into 
her eyes) 

Mary. Steven! — Don't tell me it's that! Oh, I can't 
bear it. 

Carteret (drawing her to him). Mary, I love you. 
You— you are all that I've looked for in a woman and 
more! (Kisses her gently and she withdraws) 

Mary. You shouldn't have told me. I'm sorry that 
you told me. 

Carteret. It's the last time, Mary. I can never tell 
you again what I've told you to-night. But I shall 
think of you and always it will be you who lead me on 
to better things. (Turns abruptly and EXITS d. l. 
Mary goes down stage and stands very still) 

ENTER John, Esther, Lavinia and Paul c. d. 

Lavinia (running to Mary). Oh Mary, all the world 
knows it now. 

Mary. Hush, Vinny. 

Paul (sputtering) . Why must women tell everything 
they know the minute they hear it? 

Lavinia. They're no worse than the men! I heard 
that fat, foolish Mr. Keyes telling that slim snaky wife of 
his right at our garden gate. 

Mary (to John). Did you find the Major? 
- John. In despair. I'm afraid it's a hard blow to 
him. 

Lavinia. It 's his own fault. 



Happiness at Last • 29 

Paul. Come, Lavvy, don't be too hard on the old 
duffer. 

Lavinia. But he 's so slow. 

Paul. Well, of course, every courtship can't be as 
speedy as ours, love. 

John. I — I feel deucedly about Steve. 

Esther (going to him) . We are going to right things, 
dear. We've got to right them. They can't go on. 
(John pats her liand) 

Mary. If only we could make her see how silly she is. 

John. No woman can be made to appear ridiculous to 
herself — especially if she is in love. Let's go about 
things with more system. (Unconsciously they gather 
about John. They are very serious) What is the chief 
objection to the marriage ? 

Lavinia. Dear Uncle Johnnie, this is the way he 
works out his plots. 

Mary. Hush ! 

Esther. The chief objection seems to be the great 
difference in their ages. 

John. Exactly. She must be made to realize how 
old she is. 

Lavinia (fairly jumping up and doivn). I know. 
Oh, Uncle John, I've got it. Just weary her with 
parties — parties, all kinds of parties until 

Paul. Jove, Lawy, the very thing ! 
. Lavinia (much excited takes the center of the circle). 
We young people will get together and plan a week's 
schedule — horseback riding before breakfast, tennis, 
luncheon down town, golf in the afternoon, tea party at 
five, dinner and dance at night. 

John. Whew, it tires me to think of it, but I believe 
the child has solved it. 

Paul. Who says I'm not going to have a clever wife? 

Lavinia. Of course Steve will enjoy the larks im- 
mensely. He's the most energetic man I ever met. Oh, 
whoop-la, we'll lead Aunt Abigail a chase! 

John (anxiously) . We might begin right away to- 
night. (Turning to Esther) You look grave, my dear. 



30 Happiness at Last 

Esther. I was thinking of poor Mrs. Manners ! 

Mary. That's like you — honey! But poor Auntie 
will only suffer for a short time, and with Mr. Carteret 
it 's for life. 

Esther. Of course. Besides she needn't suffer at 
all if she'll be sensible and give up the first thing. 

Lavinia. What shall it be to-night ? 

Paul. Oh, I say a dance with a supper at midnight, 
eh, Vinny? 

John. A dance it is. 

Mary. There's a dance the "Wex Club is giving — a 
dance with two orchestras. 

Lavinia (fairly hopping). With two orchestras — the 
very thing. No chance to sit between dances ! 

ENTER Carteret and Mrs. Manners d. l. 

Lavinia (running up to Mrs. Manners). Oh, I say, 
Auntie, we're going to the dance to celebrate your en- 
gagement to-night. It 's to begin a regular festival week 
in honor of the affair. (All talk at once) 

Mary. To-morrow morning 

Esther. In the afternoon golf at the country club 
and 

John. My dear Abigail — a dinner in your honor ! 

Paul. Oh, I say, Mrs. Manners, the set's all made 
up for to-morrow at tennis. You and Mr. Carteret 
against 

Mrs. Manners (warding them off). Please — please — 
My dears 

Carteret. Ah — just such a week as I enjoy. 

Mrs. Manners. I don't know about all this Celebrat- 
ing. I want to rest a bit for the ball day after to- 
morrow. 

Mary. Poor Auntie! 

Lavinia (an arm about her). Of course you aren't as 
young as you used to be and you can 't keep up the pace 
we can, Auntie dear. 

Mrs. Manners (disgusted). Nonsense! Don't be 



Happiness at Last 31 

absurd! (Turning to Carteret) Your arm, Steve! 
(They go toward c. d.) 

Lavinia (following after them). And we've planned 
the wildest party for Tuesday. Get up at four — walk 
two miles without breakfast and watch the sun rise from 
Linnekin's Hill! 

Paul. Hot stuff ! 

Mrs. Manners (getting daring). Oh, let's sit up all 
night and save the trouble of waking ourselves ! 

[EXEUNT Mrs. Manners and Carteret c. d. 

John (flinging his arms about). On with the dance, 
and heaven knows who pays the piper ! ! ! 

QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — The same as Acts I and II. One week later. 
Morning. As the curtain rises Mrs. Manners is 
DISCOVERED on day-bed sleeping soundly. Her 
shoes are off and she is perfectly happy. 

ENTER Susan d. l., going to day-bed. 

Susan (calling). Mrs. Manners. (Mrs. Manners 
moans) Mrs. Manners! (Susan is undecided what to 
do but finally goes to her and touches her gently) Mrs. 
Manners! (Shakes her gently) Mrs. Manners! (To 
herself) Good Lord! (Aloud) Mrs. Manners! 

Mrs. Manners (feebly). Go away. 

Susan. The masseuse is here. 

Mrs. Manners (in low moan). O-oh! 

Susan. But she is waiting. 

Mrs. Manners (opening her eyes). Oh, go away and 
leave me to the little happiness life has left me. 

Susan (exhausted). But the masseuse! 



32 Happiness at Last 

Mrs. Manners (wearily). Can go to the devil! 

Susan. And the hair-dresser"/ She is due in fifteen 
minutes. 

Mrs. Manners (more to herself). For twenty years 
I have been a slave to hair-dressers, masseuses, mani- 
curists. My complexion has cost me more than my 
house. (Susan is embarrassed) I have given myself 
up to all sorts of beauty treatments because I didn 't dare 
let my face do what nature intended it to do. To-day I 
revolt. Tell them to go away. 

Susan (distressed) . But your complexion. 

Mrs. Manners. I'll sit with my back to the light. 
I've had to anyway for the last five years. Leave the 
room and if you tell anyone where I am and what I'm 
doing I'll discharge you without notice. 

Susan. Yes — Mrs. Manners. (Mrs. Manners settles 
herself for slumber with one long sigh) 

[EXIT Susan d. l. 

John ( off stage) . Abigail ! 

Lavinia (off stage). Auntie! Auntie! 

Paul (off stage). Mrs. Manners! I say — Mrs. Man- 
ners ! 

Mary (off stage). Aunt Abigail! 

All (off stage). Yoo-hoo! Aunt Abigail! Mrs. 
Manners! Yoo-hoo! Where are you? (Mrs. Manners 
tosses cushions onto floor and rolls off bed out of sight of 
the rest of the room) 

ENTER Mary, Lavinia, Paul, John and Bristow c. d. 

John. Abigail! (More persistently) Abigail! Abi- 
gail ! 

Mary (looking about). Isn't she here? 

John. Apparently not. 

Paul. She must have gone out. (Runs to window 
and peers out) 

Lavinia. She's never in the garden, Paul—not in the 
glare of the morning sun. 

Mary. She'll be here soon. 

Lavinia. Heaven knows what has become of her. 



Happiness at Last 33 

Oh, Uncle John, suppose she should marry Steve after 
all this? 

Bristow. If she does it will be over my dead body. 
(Mrs. Manners listens) 

Lavinia.. But she's so determined and we can't per- 
suade her not to. She won't — she simply won't listen 
to reason. 

Paul. Don't you think our scheme is going to work? 

Mary. I don't know. It seems she ought to have 
given in long ago. (Sits) 

John. Then we must get out an injunction against 
her marriage. 

Lavinia. Never ! The quickest way to make her do a 
thing is to forbid her to do it. 

Bristow. I only know I am going to fight against that 
match until my last trick is exhausted. — If it's possible 
to do it, I'll break it up. 

John. We're all with you, Danny, to the last man 
of us. We want to see it broken as well as you do. 

ENTER Carteret c. d. 

John. Hulloa, Steve, old boy. Where 's Abigail ? 

Carteret. I am looking for her. I thought perhaps 
she was here. 

Lavinia. She isn't and we haven't the slightest idea 
what 's become of her. 

Paul. Has the coach come? (Paul and Bristow 
talk)' 

Carteret. Yes. And the rest of the bunch too. 

Mary (rising). We mustn't keep them waiting. 
Where is Auntie ? 

Lavinia. Hasn't Esther seen her? (John and Car- 
teret talk together) 

Carteret. Miss Richards is out talking with the 
Smiths. 

Mary. We'll have to go without Auntie, that's all. 

Lavinia. Never! (To Mary) This hike is my coup 
d'etat. 



34 Happiness at Last 

Mary {laughing). Are you sure you're right? 

Lavinia {pulling Mary aside while the rest talk) < 
I ? m afraid our scheme is going to fail, Mary. I feel it in 
my bones. 

Mary. Don't, Vinny. 

Lavinia. I do — I do and I — oh, get the rest of the 
bunch out, will you? I want to talk to Paul. 

Mary. What's the matter? 

Lavinia. Nothing — please do as I say. 

Mary. But we must start. 

Lavinia. I can't. • I shan't anyway until Aunt Abi- 
gail appears. Let the Smiths go on ahead. Please, 
Mary. 

Mary {turning). Uncle John, let's go out to the 
coaches and explain to Mrs. Smith. 

Carteret. I'll search the garden once again for Abi- 
gail. _ [EXITS R. e. 

John. I think we'd better make some explanation. 
Coming, Daniel? 

Mary. We'll all go. {Start toward c. d.) 

Lavinia. Paul ? 

Paul {turning back). Yes, Vinny. 

Lavinia. Don 't go yet. I 've something to say to you. 
[EXIT Mary, John, and Bristow c. d. 

Paul. Anything the matter, Vinny ? ( Goes down to 
her) 

Lavinia. It's something I want to say to you — that I 
feel I ought to say to you. (Mrs. Manners takes this 
opportunity to EXIT d. l. unnoticed) 

Paul. What is it, dear?' You look tired. This week 
has been too much for you too. 

Lavinia. Oh, it's not that. It's — it's this 

{Slipping off engagement ring) I'm sorry — I — I can't 
keep it. {Choking) 

Paul. Vinny ! 

Lavinia. Please don't make it any harder. 

Paul. But I don't understand. 

Lavinia. It's just this. When I accepted your offer 
of marriage I was free to do so. Now I 'm not. 



Happiness at Last 35 

Paul. What do you mean ? 

Lavinia. I can't marry you with all — the — talk there 
is about Aunt Abigail and Steven. The notoriety ! 

Paul. Why, Vinny, you're absurd! 

Lavinia. I can hear them — what they'll say. " Oh, 
yes, she 's the niece of that Mrs. Manners who married a 
man young enough to be her son." Babble — babble — 
the tongues will go. I can't stand it and I don't ask 
you to. 

Paul. Be reasonable. Do you think I care two sticks 
for that? And besides nothing like that is going to 
happen. They wouldn't say it. They wouldn't dare. 

Lavinia. Oh, yes they would. It 's the natural thing 
for them to do. It's one of the things that just will be, 
like ministers and chewing gum and church weddings. 
It 's useless to attempt to prevent it. 

Paul. How foolish we are, talking this way! Your 
aunt isn't going to marry him. Our scheme will work. 
It's absolutely logical and it must. 

Lavinia (desperately). But for that very reason it 
will fail. Women and logic have nothing in common. 

Paul. Vinny, you're talking absurdly. Anyway 
whether it fails or whether it doesn't is not the point. 
The point is you're going to marry me as you promised. 

Lavinia. No, Paul, I can't. 

Paul. You don 't want to marry me. It ? s just a 
scheme you're working to get rid of me. 

Lavinia. Paul dear, please — please. Don't make it so 
hard. It 's awful enough anyway without — without this. 
(Weeps) [EXITS d. l. 

Paul. Vinny! (Stands for a moment regarding the 
ring tlien EXITS irresolutely r. e.) 

ENTER Mrs. Manners c. d. She looks about room 
cautiously, sees no one, goes to window and beckons 
to Carteret. 

Mrs. Manners. Steven! Steven! Come here at 
once. 



36 Happiness at Last 

ENTER Carteret at r. e. 

Mrs. Manners {leading Mm down stage). Some- 
thing's got to be done ! 

Carteret. What is it ? What do you mean 1 

Mrs. Manners. They are trying to prevent oar mar- 
riage. 

Carteret (hopefully) . No! 

Mrs. Manners. They are doing all sorts of perfectly 
horrible things. Steve — there's only one course for us! 
We 've got to elope ! 

Carteret (staggered) . Elope! 

Mrs. Manners. We '11 go at once ! 

Carteret (wildly) . But they are waiting for us — out 
there ! They are planning a party in our honor. 

Mrs. Manners. What does that matter ? What does 
anything matter? Oh Steve — don't let them stop us. I 
shall die ! 

Carteret (wildly). But my laundry hasn't come back 
and I need a new tube of tooth paste and oh, don't you 
see we can 't elope ? Not now ! ! 

Mrs. Manners. We can't delay. If we do, we are 
lost. Steven ! 

Carteret (wildly). I tell you we can't — not now! 
I 

Mrs. Manners (pulling him to d. l.). There is time. 
There is time, I say. (He holds back) If you don't 
come, I shall scream — I shall f aint— I shall, oh ! Steven ! 

Carteret. Yes — yes — hush, we will elope ! 

Mrs. Manners. Hurry ! Pack your things. I '11 get 
Susan ! 

Carteret. Wait ! We must leave a note ! 

Mrs. Manners. A note ! 

Carteret. Telling them. 

Mrs. Manners. No — no, we haven't time. 

Carteret (going to table and finding paper and pen- 
cil) Come here! You will write it, 

Mrs. Manners (wringing her hands). Oh, how can 



Happiness at Last 37 

you ? How can you make me do it ? They will be in and 
then 

Carteret. Come here. (She obeys. He hands her 
the pencil) 

Mrs. Manners. I can't think! I can't write. 

Carteret. Hush ! 

Mrs. Manners. What shall I say ? 

Carteret. Say " Dear Mary " 

Mrs. Manners {sitting at table). But why " Dear 
Mary " ? It's to everyone. 

Carteret (with a sigh). "Dear Everyone" — then. 

Mrs. Manners (writes). No, I'll say " My dears." 
Then what ? 

Carteret (hesitating). Er — you might say 

Mrs. Manners. Please be quick. 

Carteret. You might say 

Mrs. Manners. Yes — yes. 

Carteret. "This is to let you know I am off to be 
married." (She writes furiously. He watches the door 
hopefully while he bites his lips) 

Mrs. Manners. Surely that is enough. 

Carteret (nervously). Oughtn't you to say some 
message ? 

Mrs. Manners (tapping her foot). Message? 

Carteret. Yes, message to your nieces — they do that 
sort of thing, don 't they ? 

Mrs. Manners. It isn ? t necessary . They never listen 
to my advice when I talk it and I 'm sure they wouldn 't 
when I write it. (Rising) 

Carteret. But you haven't signed it. 

Mrs. Manners (sitting again). Oh dear — how par- 
ticular you are. (Writes her name feverishly) There! 
(Folding it) 

Carteret. Where shall we lay it? 

Mrs. Manners. Anywhere. 

Carteret. But they might not find it. 

Mrs. Manners (going to c. d.). Lavinia would find it 
if I hid it in the coal bin. 

Carteret. I '11 lay it on the table. 



38 Happiness at Last 

Mrs. Manners. Come! Please, Steve. Hark! (They 
listen) They're coming. I'll meet you in fifteen min- 
utes. I won 't need to pack anything. I won 't even 
change my dress. 

Carteret {gravely). You'll— you'll rouge a bit. 

Mrs. Manners (her hand to her face). Heavens! I 
suppose I 'm as pale as a ghost. 

Carteret. No — no, but I — I 

Mrs. Manners (gayly). My dear, I'll come down 
looking like the girl on the magazine cover ! [EXITS d.l. 

Carteret (starts toward c. d. and meets Mary 
ENTERING). Mary! 

Mary. Are you ready to go ? 

Carteret. Er — why yes, I suppose so. 

Mary. And Aunt Abigail? 

Carteret. Will be down presently. She — she was 
delayed. 

Mary. We can wait. (She is about to go off c. d.) 

Carteret. Mary — if — if something happens soon — 
something extraordinary, you'll remember our conversa- 
tion the other day and what I said about your being 
the one I loved. 

Mary. Oh Steven, don't. 

Carteret. I 'm sorry if I 've annoyed you. 

Mary (dully). It's not that. But oh, Steve, why do 
you do it? Why are you carrying on this tragic 
farce? 

Carteret. I must — Mary. It's the only way — the 
only right way. It wouldn't be decent to tell your aunt 
the truth. 

Mary. There are bigger issues than that — our hap- 
piness — everything in our lives, everything depends on 
the decision we make. Aunt Abigail can get over that. 
It 's only a blow to her pride. It can 't hurt deeply, but 
with us it's different. We need each other. We must 
have each other. Steven 

Carteret. I — I shall always love you. 

Mary. Then why can 't we have each other ? Are we 
puppets to be jerked about on invisible strings? Can't 



Happiness at Last 39 

we think for ourselves — feel for ourselves — do for our- 
selves ? 

Carteret. For two thousand years men have been 
asking the same thing. iEschylus wrote : 

• ' Oh whither ere it be fulfilled 

Ere its fierce blast be hushed and stilled 
Shall blow the wind of doom ? ' ' 



And now you ask it. It's — it's so futile. 

Mary (bitterly). It gives one a certain perspective 
on one's self, doesn't it? 

Carteret (going down stage). After all, Mary, what 
is life but an unfulfilled desire ? We 're always reaching 
for the thing that's out of reach. We want to attain 
the unattainable. We're squirrels in a mad race in our 
little cage — wheels always going, going, never reaching 
anything. We go on trying and trying. We may run 
ever so fast but we'll never get there. Ten years from 
now we'll be no happier than we are now. We'll still 
be waiting for the to-morrow that is to bring us our wish ; 
the to-morrow that will always be to-morrow. 

Mary (going down to him). I — I can't accept things 
like that. 

Carteret. Surely you'll admit I can't desert her 
now. 

Mary. Yes, Steve. 

Carteret. There are some things we must go through 
with and now the bargain is sealed, we Ve got to give way 
to organized society. So many times we have to live as 
other people want us to and not according to our own 
wishes. If I — I should desert your aunt now what 
would society think of me? 

Mary. Oh, I'm sure it's not society you're thinking 
of, Steve. It's not society whose opinion you fear. It 
is your own conscience. You — you couldn't bear to see 
her humiliated. 

Carteret. Perhaps not. But — I would be dubbed a 



40 Happiness at Last 

coward — a man whose word meant nothing. Mary, don 't 
we have to depend on others for our happiness after all ? 
We've got to have friends and companions or we can't 
be happy. 

Mary. We 'd have each other, Steve. 

Carteret. But always when we were happiest would 
come the realization that over the wrecked lives of others 
was built the road that led to our happiness. 

Mary (on verge of collapse). The others! The others! 
Oh God, the others! Is there no one in the world that 
matters but they! (EXITS c. d. Carteret looks after 
her, starts to follow her, stops as if it were useless. 
Voices of the others off stage. Carteret makes a dash 
toward r. e. to escape seeing them) 

Bristow (off stage). I will never forgive myself if 
she marries Carteret. 

John (off stage. He is beginning to fear the worst). 
Oh, buck up, Danny. The week's not all over. 

ENTER Bristow and John c. d. 

Bristow. But there hasn 't been any indication what- 
soever that she is weakening. 

John. No visible indication. And there won't be. 
until all of a sudden she will give in without the slightest 
warning. 

Bristow. I can 't put any faith in your psychology. 

John. I'm willing to wager that Abigail is on the 
verge of a collapse. This week has been too much for 
all of us. I can't stand it much longer. Steve is dog 
tired. Lavinia and Paul and Esther only live by snatch- 
ing naps. Abigail hasn't had time to sleep at all for 
more than a few hours at a time. It stands to reason 
that she's got to give in soon. We've made her under- 
stand — Steve has made her understand that this is the 
life he likes and expects his wife to like. 

Bristow. I can't understand! I shall never under- 
stand the whole proceeding. 

John. Abigail is attractive, Danny, my boy. 



Happiness at Last 41 

Bristow. Ah yes, attractive, I don 't deny that 

John. And she liked the nice things Steve said to 
her 

Bristow. The scoundrel ! 

John. A woman likes it, Danny. 

Bristow. But I love her, John. I need her to make 
my life complete. Without her I'm like an empty wine 
bottle, only good for what I might be. I intended to 
marry her — I — I — Jove, of course I intended to marry 
her. I never intended otherwise. Did I ? 

John. I'm sure I don't know, Danny. 

Bristow. But things were going smooth and I was 
comfortable. — Damn this young upstart. 

John (going down to table): You'll marry her yet — 
Daniel. 

Bristow. Your optimism is maddening. 

John (looking among papers). I'd wager my next 
year 's royalties that she '11 never marry Steve. 

Bristow. Put that down on paper. (Much excited) 
Put that down on paper! (John discovers note) And 
by Jove, I hope you win if I lose a thousand. (John is 
reading the message) And it's the first time I ever 
wanted anyone to get the best of me ! 

John (in a terrible voice). Dan! 

Bristow (going to him). Good God! what is it? 

John (sinking into nearest chair). They've done it! 

Bristow (with misgivings) . Done what? 

John. Eloped ! 

Bristow (snatching note from John's hands). I'll 
be damned. (Reading from note) " My dears " 

John. Something's got to be done. 

Bristow. ' ' My dears ' ' 

John. Something's got to be done. (Bristow trots 
■up and down aimlessly) 

Bristow (moaning) . I knew it. I knew it. 

John (wildly). Stop it. 

Bristow. I knew it. I — kn 

John (roaring). Stop it! 

Bristow (with final moan) . O-oh! 



42 Happiness at Last 

ENTER Lavinia, Esther and Paul c. d. 

Lavinia. Aren't we ever going to start? What are 
you doing? 

Paul. We've had to send the Smiths ahead. 

John. Hush! (Something in his tone paralyzes them. 
Pause) 

Lavinia (in a whisper). What is it, Uncle John? 

John. They 've gone — eloped ! 

Lavinia. No-o ! 

Paul. But I saw them around here just ten minutes 
ago. 

Bristow (still trotting). A lot can happen in ten 
minutes. 

John (taking up telephone) . Then it's not too late. 

Lavinia (running about wildly). For heaven's sake! 
Can't somebody stop them? 

John (in the transmitter). Hulloa! Hulloa! HUL- 
LOA ! CENTRAL ! 

Lavinia. Oh dear — oh dear — oh dear ! 

John. Hulloa. Police department. Yes? Yes? 
Police department? Good lord! No, I don't want in- 
formation. I asked for the police. (To others) Get 
the motor! 

Paul. Ah, the motor ! [EXITS c. d. running 

Lavinia (calling after him). Tell him to go to the 
station first. 

John (at 'phone, groaning). I can't get anyone. 
(Hangs up receiver) Paul. 

Esther. He's gone. Oh, what can I do ? (She is anx- 
ious to do something) 

John (to Lavinia) . Will he send both motors ? 

Esther. Yes — yes! 

Lavinia. One on the Wessex road. 

Bristow (who has never for an instant ceased his 
trotting). Oh dear — dear — dear! 

Lavinia (running to John). Oh Uncle John, please 
do something. 

John. What more can I do ? 



Happiness at Last 43 

Lavinia. You might — you might — Oh, I don't know. 
(Goes to window r.) 

ENTER Paul c. d. 

Paul. They 've started — both motors. 
Esther. Did you send one on the Wessex Road ? 
John (pulling bell cord). There's Susan! 
Bristow (still trotting) . Oh — oh — oh! 
Lavinia, Susan — of course ! 

Esther. Perhaps she's gone with them. She's — 
she's indispensable, isn't she? 

ENTER Susan d. l. They all pounce on her. 

Bristow. Answer us! 

Susan. What, sir? (They all speak at once) 

John. Where is Mrs. Manners gone ? Do you know? 

Lavinia. Did my aunt leave a message ? 

Esther. How long has she been gone ? 

Bristow (after the avalanche, before Susan has had 
time to answer). For heaven's sake, girl, speak up. 

Susan (finding a voice at last). I ain't never been 
spoke to like this and if you can 't be decent I 'm through ! 

John (to others). Be quiet. You'll get no satis- 
faction this way. (To Susan) Tell us, do you know 
where Mrs. Manners has gone ? 

Susan (sulkily). The last I saw of her was here. 

John. Where ? 

Susan. In this room. 

John. What was she doing? 

Susan. Sleeping! (They exchange glances) 

John. Sleeping, eh? 

Susan. Yes, sir. It was about an hour ago. 

Bristow (snorting). A carefully prepared bluff. 

Susan (forgetting herself). It wasn't no bluff, sir. 
I'd guess you'd have known it if you tried to wake her. 
She was that tired she never even rolled over but said 
to me, she did — " Susan, for twenty years I've been a 
slave to manicurists, masseuses, hair-dressers " 



44 Happiness at Last 

John (excitedly) . Yes — yes, but that doesn't matter ! 
What I want to know is 

Susan (indignantly) . I quit. (I 'urns to l.) 

John (delaying her). But you don't understand. 
Mrs. Manners has eloped with Mr. Carteret and 

Susan (genuinely surprised). She ain't, has she? 

John. And we're trying to locate them with your 
help. 

Susan. Well, I've told you all I know and that is 
she was sleeping. 

Esther. It was an hour ago ? 

Susan. Yes, miss. 

Lavinia. How was she dressed ? 

Susan. Beautiful— except her shoes was off. 

John. That's all, Susan. You may go. 

[EXIT Susan d. l. 

Esther. Perhaps she hasn't left the house. 

Bristow (who has begun his trotting again). Ah!! 

Lavinia. She couldn't have had time. And then we 
were all out there talking. 

John. She has had time. (Paul goes to window) 

Bristow. Ah ! ! 

Paul (looking out). The car is coming back. (All 
hurry to window) 

Lavinia. Anyone in it? 

John. Which car? 

Esther. The car that went to the station. 

Lavinia. That's funny. Here comes another. 

PxUJL. The Sedan. 

John. The devil. I'll try the police again. (Goes 
to telephone, the rest following close at his heels, all 
except Bristow, who continues his trotting. Before he 
has taken down the receiver Mary ENTERS c. d.) 

Mary. What — what is it? (She feels a premonition 
of what has happened) 

Paul. They have gone! 

Lavinia. Mary ! Listen ! 

Bristow. My dear — oh dear — dear — dear! 

John. Mary, your aunt 



Happiness at Last 45 

Mary (going down to John). I can't hear you. 
What is it, Uncle John ? 

John ( hating to say it ) . Aunt Abigail ! She 's eloped 
with Steve! (Mary stares stupidly without a sound, 
John goes close to her) Don't you understand ? Steve 
and your aunt have eloped! (Mary falls back uncon- 
scious in John's arms. He places her on day-bed, the 
others crowding around, wringing their hands. Every- 
body speaks at the top of his voice) 

Paul. Where's my First Aid Book? She's fainted. 
What do we do in a case like this? You ought to know, 
Vinny. Don't you rub her hands? Loosen her hair or 
something? Pump her arms. We ought to have a bar- 
rel to roll her on! 

Lavinia. Someone — get some water. It's water we 
want. Where 's Susan ? SUSAN ! ( Susan appears at 
d. l. and rushes over to help) Some water, Susan. 

Susan (weeping). Oh, she's fainted, the poor dear's 
fainted! [EXITS d. l. 

Bristow (between his teeth). The shock has killed 
her. 

John. Hush ! 

Lavinia (rubbing Mary's wrists). Don't be an idiot! 
(Mary opens her eyes) 

John. She's coming to. She'll be all right! 

ENTER Susan d. l., with glass of water. 

Susan. The poor dear— the poor dear. (All try to 
administer water to Mary's forehead. Susan is most 
excited of all) 

John. There— there, that will do, Susan. You mav 
& o! [EXIT Susan d. l., reluctantly 

Bristow. Oh dear — dear — dear! 

Lavinia (has been rubbing Mary's wrists, stops a 
moment). Mary, tell me you're all right, aren't you? 

Paul. Keep on rubbing her wrists ! 

Esther. Not so hard — Vinny ! 

Paul. Don't quit. She — she might go off again. 



46 Happiness at Last 

Bristow. Oh dear — dear — dear! (The noise rises to 
a terrific crescendo, in the midst of which Mrs. Manners 
ENTERS c. d. She creates the most profound impres- 
sion. Everyone stops what he is doing and stares at her 
utterly aghast. Mary sits up and stares, perhaps the 
most bewildered of all) 

Mary (faintly). Aunt! 

Mrs. Manners (wearily). Oh Daniel, dear Daniel, if 
you still love this poor old lady, come and take her and 
don't ever let her grow young again. (Goes to him and 
with a moan of delight he takes her in his arms) 

Bristow. Abigail ! 

Mrs. Manners (from Bristow 's shoulder). I'm so 
deathly sick of trying to be girlish — of worrying about 
my complexion — of sitting in a favorable light — of wast- 
ing hours with masseuses and hair-dressers! I'm old! 
I'm fifty — and I hope I look it. I'm worn out from so 
much excitement. I'm going to get a cat and a wing- 
chair and settle down. (Weeps a little) 

Bristow. Abigail, we have found ' ■ happiness at last. ' ' 
This is the happiest moment of my life ! 

Mrs. Manners (drawing away from him gently). 
Don't be absurd, you old silly. I know better, but you 
may say it again if you like. 

Bristow (kissing her gently). It is the happiest mo- 
ment of my life. 

John (who has waited long enough). Abigail — ex- 
plain yourself. 

Mrs. Manners (going down stage). There is really 
nothing to explain. I went upstairs to get ready to 
elope and I — well, I fell asleep over my make-up. 
(Everyone laughs) I was so tired! 

Bristow. Poor dear. 

John. But Steve? Where is Steve? 

Mrs. Manners. I'm sure I don't know. Someone 
will have to find him and explain. (ENTER Carteret 
c. d. He looks bewildered) Here he is now. (Goes to 
him) Steve, dear, I'm sorry but I couldn't help it. I 
fell asleep. 



Happiness at Last 47 

Carteret. My dear Mrs. Manners, I forgive you. 
I — I — to tell the truth, I was. a bit fagged and I — I fell 
asleep too. 

Mary (rising). Steve! 

Carteret (going to her). Mary! (Paul and La- 
vinia show by pantomime that all is well with them. The 
rest talk together) 

Mary. The winds of doom seem to have blown away 
for us, Steve dear, and we have found happiness at last ! 
(Steve smiles and takes her hand. 'Phone rings vio- 
lently) 

John (answering). Hulloa! Yes! Police depart- 
ment ? Hello — no ! We don 't need you now ! 

All. For we have found "Happiness at Last." 



QUICK CURTAIN 



NOTICE 

Fraternal and Secret Societies 

"INITIATION STUNTS" 



By Lieut. Beale Cormack 

A collection of side degree stunts, initiations, yells, 
cheers, toasts, etc. Also complete side degree works 
which can be used as guides in forming other fraternal 
societies. 

CONTENTS 

Part I 

Fraternity Advantages 

Names for Social Clubs and Fraternities 

Slogans and Mottoes 

Greek Letter Societies 

Reason for Rough-House Initiation 

Yells 

Songs 

Pledge Stunts 

Fraternity Toast 

Part II 

Greek Letter Fraternities 

Side Degree "Eta Phi Mu" 

Oath 

College Yells and Cheers 

Miscellaneous Yells 

Banquet Toasts 

Hazing the Obstreperous 

Cloth Binding. Price $1.00. Postage 5c. extra. 

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3 


4 


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2h 



NOTICE 

Fraternal and Secret Societies 



a 



INITIATION STUNTS" 



By Lieut. Beale Cormack 

A collection of side degree stunts, initiations, yells, 
cheers, toasts, etc. Also complete side degree works 
which can be used as guides in forming other fraternal 
societies. 

CONTENTS 

Part I 

Fraternity Advantages 

Names for Social Clubs and Fraternities 

Slogans and Mottoes 

Greek Letter Societies 

Reason for Rough-House Initiation 

Yells 

Songs 

Pledge Stunts 

Fraternity Toast _ 



Part II 

Greek Letter Fraternities 

Side Degree "Eta Phi Mu" 

Oath 

College Yells and Cheers 

Miscellaneous Yells 

Banquet Toasts 

Hazing the Obstreperous 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 400 220 4 ^ 



Cloth Binding. Price $1.00. Postage 5c. extra. 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 
Dick & Fitzgerald 



18 Vesey St., 



New York 



